Survivor Stories Consortium

Missing your ex-narcissist doesn’t mean you’re still in love any more than craving cigarettes, drugs or any other harmful lifestyle habit you’ve left behind.

What it means is that recovery is an ongoing process and that there are still voids to be filled with healthier habits.

How does a narcissist become a habit?

Many people find themselves with narcissist after narcissist. Why is this? Programming. There is something in you that makes you 1) attracted to narcissists and 2) attractive to narcissists. While it may sound simplistic, it’s anything but. Choosing a partner who routinely creates chaos and causes you to feel insecure and off balance, who fails to accept responsibility for their share of the relationship issues, who subjects you to overt or covert put-downs that chip away at your self-worth, and who makes you feel like you must constantly adapt to anticipate their whims and moods is not a choice based on your own best interests, but a default to what feels comfortable.

Comfortable discomfort

For those of us who were raised in dysfunctional families where chaos, addiction, abuse or neglect were present, that may have been how we first learned to love and to behave in intimate relationships. Those of us who experienced childhood trauma may be unconsciously reprising our familiar in new dysfunctional adult relationships because we are operating from our unhealed wounds and unintegrated childhood trauma. Those whose wounding has caused codependent traits gravitate toward narcissists. (Those whose wounding has made them more narcissistic gravitate toward codependent partners). These dysfunctional habits of relating developed and became ingrained over a lifetime, became our normal. So when we lose that, we aren’t necessarily longing for our narc, but grieving the loss of our very selves. This is quite possibly, the only person we were comfortable knowing how to be. Until it became too painful to continue.

Want to discuss the issues with others on a healing journey?

Join us at Attachment Injuries Peer Support and Chat Network on Facebook. It’s an inviting, judgement-free zone where we talk about the issues of how childhood programming shaped adult relationships and we work toward supporting each other as we reprogram our limiting belief systems. All who want to give and receive support are welcome.

Coach Amy

Copyright 3/26/18  Narcstalgia All Rights Reserved
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